Reservation? Yes to that!

F**k you.

That, dear reader (and by God I hope there’s more than one of you), was the response I received when I mentioned to a friend that I had plans of writing this article. Frankly, I don’t suffer from any illusion that the few of you still reading this feel any differently. A few days ago, I’d have felt the same too.

So here’s the scenario at hand. It’s 9am and I’ve just sat down to write a Political Concepts paper. (I’ve also had an exam the day before, not to mention another one the next day, so it’s safe to assume I’m not thinking as clearly as I would like). The question put forward to me was this. “Based on the concepts of equality and justice, make arguments for and against reservation in Indian education, and finally take a stand.” What follows is something akin to what I scribbled in that paper (and did very well, thank you for asking!)

Honestly, I don’t care for reservation. Reserved seats for people solely because they are minorities? That’s bullshit. That’s the reason (or so I would like to believe) that I did not get into IIT. But for the sake of a decent grade, I shall attempt to answer this as best as possible.

The question of reservation is a tricky one, so let’s try to break it down a bit. For starters, do we really need to help anybody? Well, that one’s easy enough. To a certain degree, we’re all egalitarians (at least the sane ones in a democracy), in that our consciences wouldn’t be clear if we found someone was being treated unfairly/unequally and did nothing about it. To a certain degree, we all want equality. (The outrage following the Shaheen Dhada case and the Delhi rape should be more than enough to prove my point.) . That leaves us with, “Who are we trying to help?”, and “How do we help them?” Since the question has not been more specific, I’ve assumed that we’re talking about people from backward classes who have no access to education, due to a variety of factors that could range from financial problems to social stigma. Also, this argument is being made for students alone, and not for the reservation of teaching positions for the backward classes( Apparently that’s a big debate as well!)

So, how do we help the people in question? This is where we’ve got to consider whether financial remuneration would be the solution. (Most people, including myself until very recently, believe that this is a viable one). If only it were that easy. Studies have shown (They actually exist, says my prof) that a fair number of families belonging to the backward classes are quite well off. If that’s the case, then why can’t they bloody well get in without the help of the college administration? The answer is quite simple. Social Stigma.

Now you and I may have no problem when it comes to interacting with people from other castes, but the same cannot be said for the rest of the country. The caste/class system, banned as it may be , still exists throughout India. And while the fact is lamented, it is generally ignored when it comes to the decision making process.  The solution therefore, is the elimination of social stigma. Easier said than done, because it would be excruciatingly difficult to change the mind-set of an entire nation. The only other option is to improve the social standing of those in need. Now, this is a far cry from the preferred solution, but the best that is possible. It may seem ‘unjust’ to the larger sections of society, but the term justice itself is relative, and depends on the situation at hand.

The most important decision now is to pick the theory of equality that we intend to follow while trying to bring about change. The libertarian theory advocates a free market, where all of us are free to make our own decisions without the coercion of the government(which would only interfere to maintain the safety of its citizens). Essentially, survival of the fittest. We’d be equal in the sense that we’re all allowed to do as we please. Granted, even considering this theory seems a little foolish (at least in this country), since the democratic government we have is present to safeguard the future of all its citizens.The Equality of Resources theory also does not pan out, since this could amount to little more than a socialist regime, where resources are distributed in equal measures to all members of society. So while it may help the backward classes, it could potentially lead to a stagnant economy.

But what about equality of welfare or equality of opportunity? Now these theories state that an individual cannot be held responsible for factors he has no control over, including his caste or sex. Therefore, to ensure that every member of society has the same basic welfare opportunities, we would have to take the ‘backward class’ factor into account and end up providing reservations for them.

The equality of opportunity concept is slightly trickier. There are two main interpretations to this theory. The first is Rawls’ theory of egalitarian nature, which advocates the hidden veil principle. In simple words, we make decisions in an unbiased manner for the least privileged members of society first. By this logic, offering reservation would be a natural step in that direction. Dworkin’s theory of equality on the other hand, says that (and I apologize if the meaning of this one doesn’t come across easily) the government should offer the citizen a fixed amount of resources. These resources can be in any form, though the net amount can be the same, and the citizen has the liberty to pick and choose whichever privileges he desires. Something akin to giving you a lunch box and telling you to fill it up with whatever the hell you want. By this logic, reservation is completely unnecessary, since the individual has the right to make his own decisions. Sure, one would hope that he would make the smart move and opt for education, but pushing him in that direction would actually impinge on his freedom, with the government no longer remaining a democracy (god, I hate these loopholes!)

You know what, screw it. If there’s one theory I hope you remember, it’s the concept of equality based on responsibility and justice. Basically, it would be unjust of you to let another person suffer due to social stigma, and it would therefore be your responsibility to help him out, because we were not born to be brutes. We place so much importance to slogans like ‘Mera Bharat Mahaan’ but it’s not a claim that can be substantiated unless the most down-trodden member of society can say it. Only then can we say that we’ve been able to bring about a rational sense of equality.

And now I present to you, the loophole I shall take advantage of. (Said detractors from the beginning may now smile with satisfaction). Do I think reservation is needed and can benefit our society? Yes. Do I actually think it can be brought about successfully? Sadly, not for a while. Honestly, I don’t think the average Indian is ready to accept this yet. Now, I’m not going to preach about how the Indian male is too driven by his hormones to rationally make those decisions. Just open up Facebook in the aftermath of the Delhi rape case and you’ll get a earful.

I’m assuming that you’re an educated, urban youth, and therefore a minority. It’s about time we started looking at issues from the point of view of the government as well, before reaching conclusions about them. I’m honestly racking my brains to come up with a line about us being the youth of the nation and how the masses will look to us for help etc etc. I don’t think I need to though. You already know what’s at stake.

The Triumph of Hitler

The Wall Street crash on October 29^th, 1929 sent financial markets the world over into a tailspin. Germany was one of the most vulnerable, since it was dependent on foreign trade and had taken out many loans from America after its defeat in World War 1. German exports dried up after the repayments of these loans, and the well-oiled German industrial machine quickly ground to a halt. This led to the layoff of many industrial workers and the failure of banks, which ruined the living standards of most middle class Germans. Amidst political instability, uncertainty and poverty, the German population was looking for a way out. At the time, Adolf Hitler seemed their best way out.Since the failed Beer Hall Putsch movement in 1923, Hitler had matured as a statesman. By surrounding himself with a number of middle class socialites and industrialists, he was ready to build a shadow government that would soon come into power. The downtrodden people were willing to listen to him, and he offered what they needed most, encouragement. He skilfully played to the emotions of people, offering something to everybody: work to the unemployed; prosperity to failed business people; profits to industry; expansion to the Army and the tearing up of the Treaty of Versailles by refusing to pay war reparation to the Allies; social harmony and an end of class distinctions to idealistic young students; and restoration of German glory to those in despair. He promised to bring order amid chaos; a feeling of unity to all and the chance to belong. He would make Germany strong again; stamp out corruption; keep down Marxism; and deal harshly with the Jews (who he blamed for Germany’s defeat in World War 1). Hitler offered vague promises that enticed everybody. He did this without offering any concrete details on how these promises would be achieved though. However, in their present conditions, the Germans were ready to follow anybody who seemed strong enough to bring back stability, something the present government had not been able to achieve.With help from his aide, the propaganda genius Joseph Goebbels, Hitler attended thousands of meetings, plastered posters all over the countryside, organized torchlight parades and printed millions of special Nazi newspapers. He was a skilled manipulator of the masses. Along with the SA, Hitler’s band of storm troopers, he was able to project a picture of hope and a better future. His speeches, while grandiose, were quite simple. His favourite slogan was “Freedom and Bread”, the basic necessities that the German masses were finding hard to come by.While the Nazi party failed to win the 1930 elections, it did become almost overnight, the second largest party in the country.  The German industrialists started offering funds to Hitler, since they believed that the Nazis were the wave of the future, and hoped that when he got to power, he would in return help them out.  The German General Staff also supported Hitler, since he was ready to tear up the Treaty of Versailles, which prevented modernization and limited the German Army to 100,000 men. He was the hero that Germany deserved, and the one it needed as well. Or so it seemed.The period from 1931 and 1933 were crucial for the Nazi party, who still received stiff competition from various political figures. Some of these included the old President of Germany, Paul Von Hindenburg and Chancellor Heinrich Brüning . Both were aware of what would happen to Germany once Hitler was brought into power, and did their best to prevent this. While their work on the international scene to improve Germany’s fate was exemplary, the dismal results of their domestic policies turned the common man against them. Other politicians who were trying to take advantage of the situation included Kurt von Schleicher and Franz von Papen. Following a series of political games and backstabbing involving the afore mentioned politicians, Adolf Hitler was chosen as the Chancellor of the German nation on January 30^th, 1933. The Nazi party was soon officially in power. The party was an embodiment of Hitler itself, who was, for all practical purposes, was the man who ran the country.
The Nazi party, under Hitler’s command soon took over the state governments, using a state of emergency decree to establish martial law throughout the country. Decrees were passed to allow the arrest of anyone suspected of maliciously criticizing the government and the Nazi Party. Special courts were established to try public offenders without a jury or defence council. Democracy had been legally brought to an end. The Reichstag was made redundant. The German citizens had unknowingly signed away all their rights to the state.  Under Hitler, the State, not the individual, was supreme.While Adolf Hitler had promised that the government would use these new powers only if they were deemed essential. However, people would soon realize that Hitler had no intentions of making good on this promise. From the moment of birth one existed to serve the State and obey the dictates of the Führer. Any person, who objected, was disposed of.  While the masses could not comprehend this at the time, the finest minds of the country recognized this. Writers, musicians and scientists, the finest minds of the country saw through the farce, but could do nothing since the power of the government was supreme. To save their lives, they fled the country, leaving behind a country filled with impressionable Germans whose minds could be played with and moulded as Hitler saw fit. Drunk with power, Hitler quickly sprang into action. The self-educated high school dropout with anti-intellectual views wanted to awaken the age-old German spirit with all its militaristic qualities.The downward spiral for the Jews began in April 1933 with the boycotting of Jewish Stores. In the next ten years, over 400 laws would be passed targeting the Jews alone, robbing them of all their rights. Laws were passed to ensure that only citizens of Aryan descent would be allowed civil service positions. It is important to note that Hitler created a state of fear. The formation of the Gestapo was just a stepping stone in this direction. The Gestapo was allowed to hold files and records on any citizen in the country, and take any action on public offenders as they saw fit. Rules were passed to make the Gestapo above the law, without any chance of legal appeal. The survival of an individual depended on the Gestapo and its arbitrary justice.To mould the youth, Hitler established youth camps to draw them to his cause. Germany was once known for its fine universities. However, with the rise of the Nazi party, professors too were expected to take an oath of allegiance. They were expected to teach exactly what the government ordered them to. The ever present threat of indefinite confinement in a concentration camp proved effective to keep them in line. If any student denounced them for any reason, they could be executed. This academic timidity led to a lowering of educational standards, which helped the Nazi cause even further.The Germans had soon realized that the promises that Hitler made came at a severe price. If they did not comply with all of Hitler’s commands, they would be considered an enemy. And what choice did they have? The leader of their country believed that Fate itself had given him the power to take control of Germany and restore the country to its past glory.Hitler did keep his word regarding one of his promises though. Soon after being sworn into power, the Fuhrer decided to reintroduce military conscription, not unlike the compulsory Army Draft first introduced in France during the French revolution. This would allow his army to have 36 divisions with a total of 550,000 mean. This was, of course in direct violation of Part V of the Treaty Of Versailles. Hitler was known for taking risks, and this time, his gamble paid off. Some cautious Army generals of Germany feared a military response from Britain and France. Surprisingly though, apart from a few diplomatic protests, nothing happened. This was partly thanks to political-in-fighting in France and Britain’s economic depression. Still, this helped inflate his ego, and lowered his opinion of the Allies.In a smart move, he managed to convince diplomats the world over that the military build-up was not an offensive move, and was purely a defensive measure, since Germany had the right to defend itself against other nations. Most took him for his word, presuming that he was a man that could be trusted. However, this was all a ruse by Hitler to prepare Germany for war. He was, in fact, a man who could plan a catastrophic war while endlessly proclaiming his love and desire for worldwide peace. Even the Germans and many top leaders in the Reich could not perceive the depth of his cynicism.Still, the Nazi party needed to improve its image to the rest of the world. Hitler’s actions had not gone unnoticed to the foreign powers. Sensing this, Joseph Goebbels, now the Propaganda minister convinced Hitler to allow Germany to host the 1936 Berlin Olympic Games. The festivities were exploited to further the Nazi cause both inside and outside Germany. While there were a few Jewish athletes who boycotted the Games, the general opinion was that Germany had organized the most lavish Olympic Games ever. It was also the first Olympic Games to be televised. Hitler had succeeded once again to give the party what it had desperately needed- Respectability.Hitler’s lifelong goals were to acquire living space of Lebensraum for the Germans and a final reckoning with the Jews. The latter was put on the backburner till 1938. To protect the southern and eastern flanks of Germany, he needed to seize Austria and Czechoslovakia. For this, three war strategies were created. However, Hitler’s plans had no real practical consideration. Even if they delayed the attack till 1943, Germany would not be adequately armed for war. His inflated ego though, prevented Hitler from seeing this. The smarter generals in his command could do nothing, as it was Hitler’s show entirely. They had no real say in the matter. Anyone who objected was immediately replaced with a younger general who was ready to pledge complete loyally to Hitler. It should be noted that Hitler was not unaware of their misgivings. He would never be fully accepted by the upper echelons of his own General Staff. He was regarded as an amateur self-taught strategist who was nothing more than a dispatch runner during World War I (who was reportedly never promoted due to lack of leadership skills). Yet the generals had no power to overthrow him. Hitler didn't care about consequences. He was only interested in results. And any attempts to get him to change his mind were a complete waste of time. The generals didn't realize they were dealing with a man who never changed his mind once he made a firm decision and would do anything to achieve a desired goal. Hitler’s first plan of action was to take control of the German Army, which was achieved in late 1938.The initial target was Austria, the first step down the path that would lead to a new world war. To expand the borders of his Reich, Hitler adopted a gangster diplomacy which involved threatening, bullying, lying and bluffing to get his way. And the other European nations had no real choice. They were dealing with a man always willing to go the limit, willing to send in the troops and shed blood in order to get what he wanted.Through political manoeuvres, Hitler took Austria without firing a single shot. Czechoslovakia next door now trembled at the thought that it was surrounded on three sides by the German Army. Hitler wasted no time in pressing his advantage. He began to consider plans for the occupation of the Sudetenland, the western portion of Czechoslovakia home to about three million ethnic Germans.While he initially had plans of a military invasion of Czechoslovakia, this was not to be. Again, he was able to trick the leaders of France and England to literally give him the Sudetenland area during the Munich Conference on September 29^th, 1938. Soon after though, Hitler revealed that he had tricked the others, and had no plans of just taking the small region. Once again he managed to take over the country without a single shot. The Nazis had perfected the art of stealing neighbouring territory. They would start by encouraging political unrest inside the area. At the same time, they would wage a propaganda campaign citing real or imagined wrongs committed against local Germans. When neighbouring political leaders finally came to see to Hitler to resolve the on-going crisis, they would be offered help in the form of a German Army occupation to "restore order."Now that this was achieved, Adolf Hitler decided to focus on his second target, the massacre of the Jews. Up until now, he had held off largely due to international opinion. Now though, even Goebbels, who was anti-Semitic, urged him to proceed in his plans. On November 9th, known as the Night Of Broken Glass, Hitler authorized the burnings of hundreds of synagogues. Hundreds of thousands of Polish origin Jews were expelled from Germany, branded as unwanted persons. Thousands of others were taken to concentration camps. Ordinary Germans could do nothing to protest this, for fear of themselves being dragged to concentration camps.Thankfully, the outside world took notice and had finally seen through Hitler’s veil. They knew for sure that he was a dangerous man who could not be trusted and was out to conquer the whole of Europe. This led to the end of pro-Nazi movements outside of Germany all over the world. Sadly, Hitler and his cronies did not care what the world thought. Hitler considered the other European leaders as worms, based on his experience at the Munich conferences.England and France decided to react when Hitler vowed to take over Poland next. The era of Hitler's bloodless conquests had ended. The next time German troops rolled into foreign territory there would be an actual shooting war. Hitler flew into a rage when he heard about this. The disaster that would be called World War II was now only a matter of months away. Thus the time had come for the major powers in Europe and elsewhere to pick sides. Britain and France were already aligned with Poland. It could also be assumed that the United States would side with Britain at some future point.The recent moves of the Nazi party stunned even the Italian Fascists. While Mussolini’s regime was almost as barbaric as Hitler’s, he did not possess the same murderous mentality as his German counterpart. Still, the Italians had sworn a pact to join Hitler in the War, even though the world knew that the Italian Army was not adequately prepared to defend itself. The game had changed. No longer was it a matter of bluff and dare. It had come down to actual threats of war, upon which rested the fate of millions. Hitler threatened war. Poland threatened war. Britain and France were threatening war.The problem was that Hitler could not lie his way out of this one. His previous lies had been noticed, and the outside leaders would no longer trust him. The British and French governments were outraged by his antics at the Munich conference. The German masses too were not looking for war. Most had realized that Hitler was not the saviour they had hoped for. But there was nothing else they could do. By 1939, all news and information from the outside world had essentially been cut off and only pre-approved music, entertainment, Nazi speeches and news reports were ever heard.Hitler’s crystal clear insight into international politics was now fogged due to his own bloated ego. He now believed that he was infallible, and had turned into a megalomaniac.The bloodiest war in history began on September 1^st, 1939, when Hitler decided to finally attack Poland. It soon became clear that Hitler was no war-time general. A steady stream of flawed military tactics led to the takeover of Berlin and culminated in Hitler’s own suicide on April 30^th, 1945.While Adolf Hitler was a brilliant orator and could mold the masses as he chose, his own hubris led to his downfall. In my opinion, the government that he created was flawed from the start. History has shown that no totalitarian state has been in the best interests of the people. In this case, the government, which of course, was more of a dictatorship, was the state itself, and the citizen had no say in the matter. The youth were instructed that Hitler’s status was almost God-like, and there was immense value in duty and sacrifice. The life of the individual meant nothing. And that duty and loyalty to the Fatherland and to the Fuhrer himself was what really counted. It’s safe to say that the concept of civil society was a joke in itself. The absence of civil society is what led to the downfall of the government. It’s reasonable to say that if the citizen were granted more rights and had a say in certain matters, the massacre of the Jews and the war itself might just have been avoided.

On the off chance that you've actually read till here without falling asleep, i'll have you know that I've only uploaded this essay only because i have a tendency of losing documents.....and Google Drive is just WAY too much effort.

The Wednesday Soul- a review

The Wednesday Soul is the debut book by Sorabh Pant. It also happens to be the 1^st book I have received as part of the Book review system of Blog Adda. I honestly hadn’t read the description of the book which was put up. Rather, I was told that Sorabh Pant himself was due to perform at our college within the week. I figured it might give me an idea about his show.

In my opinion, we’re still looking for that one truly great Indian author of the generation. Sure, we had Tagore and Narayanan, but today? Agreed, Sumit Basu and Amitav Ghosh are very good authors in their own right. And while they haven’t reached the level of fame that they deserve, I doubt we could call them the finest Indian authors. If you’re reading the Wednesday Soul to see whether Sorabh Pant is a truly great author, I suggest you stop right now and find somewhere else to look.

Perhaps that was a little harsh. Thankfully, this book isn’t about sparkly and cuddly vampires. Nor is it about life in a IIT hostel or the turbulent relationship between a Punjabi and a Tamilian.

The book starts off well enough. I was rather optimistic after reading the ‘Note to the readers’ . Perhaps this was the comedy book that I’d been looking for. I’d had my hopes up when Cyrus Broacha released his book "Karl, Aaj aur Kal". I was sorely disappointed. Once I got past the first five pages of this book, I realized it wouldn’t be much better. Just when you think the book might be interesting, he throws in this ridiculous concept of an eye-score, which can determine how evil a guy really is!

So what’s the book really about? It’s a description of the afterlife, or what Mr. Pant imagines it to be. And, like any good Bollywood movie, the afterlife is in a turmoil, and only the protagonists Nyra and Chitr can help. It doesn’t hurt that Nyra is a recently deceased self-appointed vigilante known as the Bombay Belle, famous for shoving down a pair of undies into the mouths of rapists. I guess it’s about time to throw Pant a bone. He’s put a lot of effort into creating his own afterlife. He’s created fictional versions of long dead famous people. Pythagoras is now a soul who gets reincarnated as other famous scientists. I guess that would help keeping up with the times. This is quite similar to what Jonathan Stroud had done in the Bartimaeus trilogy. For a while, this might even help you turn the pages. That being said, this is definitely not an afterlife I would like to find myself in.  Purab Kohli has gone on to call this book ‘brilliantly silly’. I really wouldn’t use the word brilliantly. I will congratulate Pant on one thing though. It requires skill to write a book as nonsensical as this! At some points, it even seems like he’s trying too hard to be funny.

Bottom line. The storyline is passable at best. The problem is that reading this book requires tons of concentration. You’d think for a book written by a comedian, that wouldn’t be necessary! Then again, I doubt this book was written to win the Pulitzer or the Booker. Sure, this book is a one-time read. Though if you do have enough time to read this book, I suggest you go ahead and do the crossword. You’d probably learn something more important there.

This review is a part of the Book Reviews Program at BlogAdda.com. Participate now to get free books!

Chicken Fried

I guess it’s just one of those things you say out loud to yourself in the middle of the night. Honestly, can you even blame me? It’s almost four o’ clock in the morning, you’ve got a test in a few hours, you’re grossly unprepared, and all you’ve got to eat is a cheese sandwich and a banana. Just when you think things can’t get worse, that particular strain of thought runs through your head. To be honest, it’s been at the back of your mind for a week. You’ve mentioned it in passing to a few friends as well. But now, more than ever, you feel the need to express it out loud to yourself, hoping it will be therapeutic. At this point, any impressionable reader would expect you to spout something profound and life-changing. In the movies at least, this is the point where the lead actor gets a brainwave. Instead however, yours goes something like this, “Fuck, I need to go to KFC”.

One tense change later, I’ll admit, it wasn’t my proudest moment of all time. Judge me all you wish, but also look at it from my point. I’d long considered going to the nearest KFC. Even the hour long to and fro journey in a smelly, overcrowded bus seemed worth it. After all, it’s KFC right?

Sometimes, everything just clicks. The Universe decides to make sure that you get everything that you desire. The stars and planets realign, your tests get cancelled, and in the end, you emerge victorious in you endeavor. Not surprisingly, this was not one of those times.This time, the universe decides that letting me fill my stomach with fried chicken would be too much fun. So, any remaining impressionable readers might ask , how did the universe manage this?

IF I were a conspiracy theorist (I won’t say yes because THEY might be reading this) , I would have to say that whoever planned this is one brilliant bastard. Let’s call said brilliant bastard *drum roll*, the MAN.

So how does the Man screw with me? It would be too simple for Him to just close down all the KFC’s. He loves screwing with people of course, but that would be too simple and even He doesn’t like playing spoilsport. No, his grand plan was set into motion over 50 years ago, when he decided to make the locals of Andhra Pradesh and Telangana start feuding. The quintessential useless struggle for dominance it was. The wheels had been set in motion, but their movement was imperceptible. In retrospect, it was a fool proof move. The struggle was kept under wraps, biding ‘it’s ‘time until some bored college student decides that he needs that chicken burger. Needless to say, that time had come.

So what’s the new situation? The buses stop running, the autos go on strike, and the price of petrol shoots up. Why is this so important? Probably because I was 15 kilometers away from the nearest KFC, and barring my two own feet, could find no viable means of transport. Sure, there were cabs, but the Man had accounted for that as well. With the distance and the rise in petrol prices, even the chicken wasn’t worth the effort. Sure, I could fine four or five other hungry bastards, pile them into a cab and make them pay. But like I said, effort. Said effort is better spent eating chicken and running away from the bill.

So what does this all boil down to?

Number 1- A cheese sandwich, a banana and a pot of coffee do not count as good pre-exam food. My stomach has already borne that sad fate.

Number 2, and this is the biggie – I NEED TO GO TO KFC!

Disclaimer-

If you’ve reached this far and happen to be an impressionable reader, feel free to leave a comment if you did not like the article. The author shall probably never get back to you. On the other hand, if you do not like KFC, let the author know ASAP. He will hunt you down and cut you into pieces. If he is really, really hungry, he will eat you, and in his best imitation of Timon exclaim, “ Tastes like chicken”

You Ought to Know

This post basically started forming in my head around the time when Anna was the latest craze. On a totally different note, what the hell happened to him? Or the LokPal bill? Don’t you just love how Indians seem to forget events like that so fast? (yeah, I’m part of them, move past that). But enough about the really serious, caring about the world crap. Time to get back to the hate rant.

It became popular thanks to men like Mandela, Gandhi and thousands of others. It’s probably why we’re free as well. Yeah, I’m talking about freedom of expression. And on some primal level, I respect that. The problem with the freaking Right is the part where people forget their boundaries. And I don’t just mean jackasses like you and me. I’m talking about famous people, who others just can’t get enough. Well, thanks to that lovely right to expression , I’ve taken it upon myself to point out just a few of them, and what I’d love to say to said person assuming we ever meet. Unloading a clip of bullets into them would prove my point much better, but I’m trying against all my cavemen like tendencies to be civil and use words instead.

Ekta Kapoor- one saas bahu serial was fine, two was tolerable, three was like having nails driven through you. Considering the number of TV serials she’s made and the number of years they’ve lasted, I’m surprised members of some desi TV loving spinoff of the al-Qaida hasn’t tried to assassinate her yet.

Justin Bieber- words cannot express the pain and disgust you have made me feel through the years. And the odd part is, I’ve never heard of parents complaining about you either. Aren’t parents always supposed to complain about the crap their kids listen to? ( my best guess is that they realize that a 16 year old girl can’t do much damage ) .Hendrix, Cobain and others would spew insults at you, but they’re a little busy throwing up in their graves.

Rebecca Black- Pretty much everything I just said about Bieber, but I guess that just isn’t insulting enough. For the lyrics that you wrote, I’m surprised that you had to wait till you were 13 to sing ‘Friday”. Most kids know the days of the week by the time they’re six. I’m just hoping the next time you sit on the rim of the back seat of a car, you decide to drive through a low tunnel. Just saying. Also, How’d you feel when even Bieber said he didn’t want to sing with you?

Kim Karda(something that I just can’t spell) – ok, it seems I’ve made a mistake by including her here. She’s part of my “Celebrities I adore and wish to meet and other nasty things” list. She’s just freaking awesome.

Chetan Bhagat- Obviously, being an actual engineering student, I can’t stand you. FYI: Not everyone who has pegs of neat vodka before exams screw them up. Sometimes those papers just turn out to be awesome. ( I’ve a friend who says so).. Your latest book is on sale for 20 bucks a copy (or so I’ve been told. It’s against whatever few morals I have left to go and actually find out for myself) . Toilet paper is now more expensive. Take a hint and stop writing.( pretty please with a cherry on top? )

Stephanie Meyer- the thing about miracles is that they don’t happen immediately one after the other. You should’ve waited a few more decades until Harry Potter ended before printing that Twilight crap. Sparkly vampires? Seriously? Go watch Dracula or Blade for more correct descriptions.

Arjun Singh- For those who don’t know him( basically me 5 minutes ago) , he’s the guy who decided it would be fun to fuck around with every general caste student all over India. Basically, he’s the guy who decided to implement the reservation quota. Can he be more hated?

Arindham Choudhry- I’m not sure if I spelt the surname correctly, but who gives a fuck? It’s not like he’s Kim what’s-her-name. First off, go for a haircut and contact lenses. Second, why in god’s name aren’t you advertising for a toothpaste commercial? Your teeth are so sparkly! If you do decide to keep the hair and throw in a few fangs, you could actually audition for the next Twilight movie ( I’m hoping they never make it, but who listens to me anyway? ) I haven’t written so much about the others yet, and I STILL haven’t started talking about IIPM , or as the casual reader might know it, the college that’s #1 in Global Exposure( WTF? Vijay Mallaya’s cricket team cheerleaders give me all the global exposure I need. ) . And how can I forget that you advise students to dream beyond the IIT’s and the IIM’s. I’m guessing you failed to get into either of them then? And, might I remind you, they’re still pretty much the best we’ve got.

Rakhi Sawant- Here’s what people normally need to succeed. Dedication. Brains. Hard work. Good Looks ( not necessary but apparently helps. Again, what would I know, I’m a wannabe engineer for fuck’s sake, not a model! *insert appropriate smiley here*). It doesn’t hurt to know English either. Now let’s run through the list. It’s obvious the last one doesn’t apply to you. This makes your paragraph a little disappointing since you probably can’t even read this. I’m not too sure about your Hindi either. As for hard work and brains. You do find Baba Ramdev hot. The only thing you seem dedicated towards is trying to make the average sex hungry Indian ( most people in my college) notice that you exist. Well, I guess you got that much at least. How’s that working out for you? I’m trying desperately to come up with a joke trashing Rakhi Ka Swayamvar , though I’m not able to put my finger on it. Advice anybody? How about Rakhi ka Insaf? I’m thinking something along the lines of, “ how can SHE give advice to married couples?” , though it just doesn’t show how much I can’t stand her.

And now we’re back to that awkward part where I have no idea what else to say. Seeing as I’m done insulting most of the people I want to, I guess it’s time to end it with some well meaning, clichéd bullshit.

*insert well meaning, clichéd bullshit here*

P.S- If you don’t like it. Fuck you. (Freedom of expression and all right :P )

Disclaimer- The above article does not reflect the views of the author. He was forced to write it at gun-point, by people who shall not be named. He would probably say pretty similar stuff though. After all, he really is a wannabe engineer. But feel free to share the post. The author is sure that the one who shall not be named would love it if others read this .

Independence Day- The Anthem for the Underdog

August 15^th. The one day of the year where my message inbox will be filled with messages from countless individuals proclaiming that India is great; every second channel will have a video of Rahman performing his rendition of Vande Mataram ; every beggar on the street will be trying to sell you a cheap paper flag; and who can forget the cribbing of some friends that the wine shops are closed on a day that seems perfect for a chilled beer.

If nothing else today is the day we pay tribute to the martyrs who managed to save our country from the shackles of slavery etc etc etc…. the same old stuff. Don’t get me wrong, most of them deserve to be remembered for what they did for us. Gandhi, Nehru, Bose, Singh and thousands of others who laid down their lives for protecting a country that mattered so much to them. But what about the others?

Who are the others you ask? It’s not surprising that you’ve no idea who I’m talking about. I’m not truly sure who they are either.

It’s been rightfully said that prevention is better than a cure. Isn’t it strange that we barely remember the ones who helped prevent a problem, but the men who cured it go down in the history of time?

26/11. The memory of the policemen who died fighting that day will not fade from our memories. Why should it really? They gave up their lives for it. But do you remember that random individual who might have prevented some major blast or attack just a month before that? Do you remember the good Samaritan who prevented the mugging and rape of a woman on the streets? Of course not! And why? Because we never manage to remember the men who prevented the danger, we only remember the individuals who proved their mettle after disaster strikes. We’re so caught up in the notion that adversity builds a man’s character, yet we so conveniently ignore the man whose character essentially helped him prevent such adversity.

This isn’t a post against patriotism or the right to freedom or any such crap. For all you know, the man who saves the lives of hundreds of people every day might just be the shabbily dressed man standing beside you on the bus. The nurse who sterilizes the hospital equipment. The street urchin who clears away all the garbage. The ticket collector who throws the screaming drunkards off the train. People who essentially save your life every day, without you having an inkling about it. True heroes. Ones who do what they do not for fame or money. No, to them it is nothing more than a daily chore perhaps. We barely know or even notice these people, even though they could be the very reason we’re still alive. So this Independence day, when we honor those who laid their lives down for us, let us also honor those who do so much for us without us even feeling their presence.

After all, they were the ones who ever mattered.

Forever And For Always

It is one of the most elite clubs in the world. In all of history, no more than 47 members have had the privilege, the woe, and the angst to be a part of it. The requirements are stringent, the rewards include being remembered forever as a person who could not fight his or her demons. To be a part of this club, you need to be all of the following- a talented, famous musician, regarded by most as genius You also have to suffer from an addiction, and be 27 years of age. And you have to die.

Simply put, this is the Forever 27 club. It's members include legends like Jimi Hendrix, Kurt Cobain, Jim Morrison, Amy Winehouse and Janis Joplin. Factually, there is little I can tell you about their lives that a simple Wikipedia search cannot. This article isn’t about their fame, their notoriety or their mark in the field of music. From what I have gleaned from their music, I'll strive to tell you who they were.

One fact is true of all these people. They were geniuses. Each one of them had a vision, an idea to change the music industry. More often than not, they managed it. And in the end, that was their curse. They were different. It's odd that the very people who are elevated to the top of society, are never truly understood by the rest of them. These people yearned acceptance. Not in the social sense of the word. There was no event or party where they would not be recognized or even hero worshiped. They wanted true acceptance, understanding if you will, by the people who surrounded them. Their pain is all too visible. Just listen to their songs,focus on the lyrics, and you will see it as well.

Most of them came from humble beginnings, with an aim to change the world in a little way. I believe that they would have been perfectly happy without being touted as the leaders of the 'new revolutions' in music. They lived for their music, because it was all that made real sense to them. The only avenue where they could express all that worried them.

All that they were looking for was solace. As a society, we failed to give them that. So they turned to a less satisfactory substitute. One that could be found at the bottom of the whiskey bottle or the heart of the pills that they swallowed.

Kurt Cobain once said”I'm not afraid of dying. Total peace after death, becoming someone else is the best hope I've got.” This is essentially true of all the members of the Forever 27. To them, their own lives were so difficult to understand, that they yearned for one that was entirely different.

Needless to say, they did die. As odd as it may seem to rephrase a movie line- for them, peace was never an option. Even after death they are remembered . Sadly, they aren't remembered as people who strove to be normal. They are remembered as addicts who could not resist temptation in the end, and finally succumbed.

They will go down in the annals of music as people who revolutionized the world. Would it be too hard for us to remember them as people who just wanted to get along?

Love them if you want. Hate them if you wish. Ignore them if you must. But never forget them. Not the people they wished to be remembered as.

Inject The Venom

Ivan Drago. A fictional character from the Rocky world though he may have been, was still a mountain of a man. A man who is remembered for two things. 1- he got his arse handed to him on a platter by an old , washed out leftie named Rocky balboa. 2- He took insane amounts of nutritional supplements.

Nobody normally remembers the guy who comes in 2^nd place. Sports, as such, is driven by records. It’s a race, a fight, even a battle at times, to be the best of the best.

Sadly, when grit and determination just isn’t enough, sportsmen athletes turn to performance enhancing drugs.

Cheating, you say? Perhaps not. Unethical , for sure. Sports is a dirty arena. Everybody knows that. It’s been like that since the Olympics( the old ones) . Competitors would try to get their rival teams intoxicated, just so that they would not be in any position to compete during the actual event. In more recent times, broken glass would be scattered on the road used by long distance runners or cyclists, just to slow them down.

But that’s all passé. Welcome to the 21^st century. In sports, anything goes.

One can’t blame the athletes entirely though. Yes, we’ve already established that he wants to win for the glory and the fame. But you must also consider the outside pressure. Spectators want a good show. They want something unbelievable. Something that cannot be replicated at home. One would expect things would have changed since the era of gladiators. But the sad truth is, that nothing has. People want to be entertained. They want their money’s worth. And it’s up to the athletes to deliver.

Then again, it’s not always the athletes who are to be blamed. In the most recent doping scandal in India, some of the athletes claim that while they had been given un named supplements, they had no idea that they were illegal. In these cases, it’s the sporting authorities who are to answer. It’s not unheard of though. In countries like Russia, athletes are used as scapegoats. When the country itself is forcing their athletes to cross that thin moral line, then it’s rather hypocritical of the government to disgrace the athletes as well when the shit hits the fan (proverbially). It now becomes a contest of pride. Peaceful combat between countries if you will.

And don’t for a second believe that these athletes lives will remain the same. Not from the public abuse. Not from the shame. But from the drugs themselves, which ravage their bodies to a point that eventually, all they can do is pray for death to come swiftly.

There are innumerable facts to back up claims that these drugs can, in the long run, kill the users. But let’s leave the facts aside. Perhaps look at it from a moral point of view.

Should taking supplements be illegal? That depends, of course, on whether you want a good show. If you don’t , go ahead. Ban the stuff. It’s not going to stop countries from wanting the gold. It hasn’t really stopped countries like China in the past either. Or you could blur the lines a bit, turn a blind eye to what’s going on, and get entertained when the team you root for wins.

It all boils down to one simple question in the end-

“How badly do you want to win?”

Addicted to Chaos

“The man was on his knees, begging for mercy. We were inside a tent, somewhere in the desert. Beside the man lay weapons. Guns of all sorts. They were useless to him now. After all, what he could he do with them. We’d already cut off both his arms just a few hours ago. Blood flowed through open wounds, like rivulets that eventually meet in a pool at his knees.

I looked into his eyes. They were bloodshot, all the fight had left him hours ago. That defiance with which he had glared at me earlier had been replaced ……with fear. It was then that I felt the rush. It invigorated me, consumed me. With a slight grin on my face, I picked up the knife and walked towards him. This was going to be fun”

A jostle from behind brought me out of my reverie. How careless of me! I’d started daydream. Granted, one couldn’t expect much better after being 48 hours. But then again, I couldn’t afford to lose my focus now. After all the planning, we were finally here. I had a mission to complete. Sleep was secondary.

I walked through those crowded streets of Mumbai. I couldn’t have asked for a better location. People milled all around me. Each one going about his own business. Hordes of people crowded around the jewellery stores. Gems shone at me from every direction. Every shop had rows upon rows of carefully designed gold bangles, each one different from the next. On display were some of the most beautiful emerald and sapphire necklaces I had ever seen. Truly an amazing sight. Who would have thought that these crowded lanes would be the centre for most of this pathetic country’s gems trade. But then again, I didn’t particularly care. I wasn’t here for the jewels. I was here for more important business.

I took a look at my reflection in one of the store’s windows. I had to admit. The disguise was pretty good. It’s amazing what a shave, haircut, dye and a pair of glasses could do for you. My own parents wouldn’t have recognized me. Perfect.

Wearing a sweaty shirt and pants, holding onto a battered briefcase, I looked just like the hundreds of business executives, tired after a hard day’s work. In fact, there was one right beside me, buying jewellery for his wife or girlfriend. The only difference was that my briefcase didn’t contain memos or papers. Just the simplest of bombs. A glance at my watch told me all I needed to know. I had five minutes to plant the bomb, and another 5 to get out of there.

And then suddenly I was back in the tent. An old memory. It had been over a year ago. Volunteers were needed for probably the most dangerous mission we had undertaken since 2008. Attacking that city ….again. I remember standing up from among the crowd gathered there. And I had not looked back since.

Thankfully, I was brought back to my senses almost immediately. I did have to thank the fools around me. They had, inadvertently, spurred me on.What drove me to join this mission….terror. Not my own. Terror in the eyes of these hapless people who would soon be lying on the ground, screaming incoherently . I could already picture all the blood. In just a few minutes, all these beautifully lit stores would be reduced to nothing but a pile of rubble. As for the people around me. Oh, that would be my reward. They would be strewn all over, blood spurting from open wounds. And I would rejoice.

I already knew how it would pan out. In a few minutes, the abandoned briefcase would blow, hurtling people across the street. While entertaining, the gore would not be enough for me. It was after the blast that the fun would begin. For over five minutes after the blast, their senses would be disrupted. In such a crowded street, it could only mean one thing. Complete and utter pandemonium. And then the stampede would begin.

Chaos truly is a strange thing. All these men and women around me were chatting happily to each other. Shopkeepers chatting amongst each other, bemoaning the recent rise in gold prices. Children begging their parents to buy them candy from the vendor at the corner.In just a few minutes, they would be running over each other, trying to survive. A phenomenon so savage and yet so beautiful, that at times I lose my breath just thinking about it.

I chided myself for daydreaming again. This wasn’t the time. I made my way to one of the largest and most crowded shops in the area. This place had been picked as the target less than a week ago by our recon team. They had picked well. One suitcase in all this rush would not be noticed. I pushed my way to one of the counters, and slipped the briefcase beside it. I looked at my watch. I had 5 minutes to get out of there. Right on time.

Though a tad difficult, I managed to slip out of the shop, and made my way out to the main street.
It was then that I felt a hand slip into my pocket. I had been warned that this place was notorious for its pickpockets. Even then, I was furious that someone would try to rob me .If only they knew who they were dealing with.

I turned quickly and grasped the hand, making sure that the thief couldn’t get away. The wallet in there was inconsequential. It was empty anyway. But still, I wanted to take a look at the fool.

It was a young boy, no more than 14. His black eyes stared back at me with a mixture of fear and defiance. If I weren’t on a deadline, I would drag this boy to an empty street corner and give him a piece of my mind. I still could perhaps break a finger or two right there to prove a point. My judgement got the better of me though. I had to leave. Anyway, this boy would be in the blast zone. He wasn’t going to survive the blast anyway. I could enjoy his death then. Letting his hand go, I said in a low voice” I’ll let you go this once. Don’t let me catch you again” A look of relief crossed his face, and then he ran away. The fool,

I made my way up to the terrace of one of the buildings in the area. I was going to witness something wonderful. And then, just as I looked down on the streets, it happened. I felt alive.

Chaos is a chain reaction.

Disclaimer: The article written is a fictitious and therefore, probably untrue representation of the events that occurred in Bombay on 13^th July 2011. The author does not sympathize with or condone the acts of those behind the attacks.

Diabolical Imperious Evil

As addictions go, this was a rather strange one. After all, how could he explain to his friends that he was addicted to a person? To Her.

His daily routine, for the better part of three years included the following. Get up. Think of her. Go for class. Stare at her. Sleep. Dream of her.

It took him almost a year to figure out that he was , in fact, suffering from an addiction. The cruellest kind. Even an alcoholic could never get enough satisfaction from the booze, but even then, he had something. In this case, all he had was a mirage of her; not the real thing itself. After all, they were just friends.

She wasn’t someone you would normally pick out of a crowd. She wasn’t a showstopper by any imagination. At times, one might even be hard pressed to notice her. It had taken him a month on campus to notice she even existed! In one moment however, he was hooked.

It was the smile that caught his eye the first time. He could still remember the first time he saw her smile. Her lips curled ever so slightly, and then gently parted to reveal the perfect white teeth that shone in the sun. Not a promiscuous smile, but one that could make his heart melt. When she noticed that she was being watched, she came over and spoke to him. And it was the sweetest thing he had ever heard.

The next few years essentially flew by in a haze. He remembered nothing of the wild parties, the study sessions, the ragging of the juniors, the movies. No, all the remembered was her. A girl , who in a single smile, managed to captivate him.

He didn’t believe it at first. After careful observation though, he realized that it was true. She was truly evil. Behind that seemingly innocent smile and bright eyes, lay a mastermind. A puppet master, gently tugging at the strings so that the planets realigned just the way she wanted them to. Every move was carefully planned. Just when things seemed to slip away from her, she would put on that smile . That captivating smile that could break the defences of even the strongest man, reducing him to putty in her hands. And then it struck him. He too had been casually played by her. She had been using him for ages, taking just what she needed. And when was done, she would toss him away to the wayside.

On one fine day, he decided that he had had enough. Her betrayal was too strong for him to stomach anymore. This time, he would go to her and tell her it was over. He was sick of being used.

He called her up immediately, asking her to meet him at the lawns outside the mess. As he made his way to the spot, he felt strong, confident, even immune to her. Soon it would be over.

She stood waiting right where he had asked her to. And as he reached her, she smiled. And then he was trapped yet again, in a maze from which there would be no return this time.

Disclaimer: The above article is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to any girl, living or dead, is co-incidental. If however, you do know someone resembling her, do yourself a favour. Run for your life.

The Thing That Should Not Be

There are moments in your life when you read the most ridiculous of Facebook statuses, and you decide to play it safe; when you graciously comment “ Nice J “ ,even when every fibre of your body is willing you to type, “ Dude, WTF is wrong with you?” . A moment when you decide to take the morally high ground, and refuse to spend your time berating such hapless fools.

Obviously, this is not going to be one of those moments.

Yes, this is a hate rant. No, this is not an attack on those ‘patriotic citizens’ who decide to share links stating that our national anthem was voted the best in the world. This isn’t even for the ones who post “best brother week” statuses every month or so. No, this one is for the ones who actually believe they precious statuses are witty and life changing( not unlike my views of this blog). Believe me, these ARE real statuses.

1- 1- “lazy”

You managed to drag your ass all the way to your laptop, open up Facebook, and then have the gall to type ‘lazy’ ???

2- 2- “sad…”

It wasn’t “I’m so sad because” or “It’s so sad that” ( not that it would have much much of a difference, but if you are going to come up with lame statuses, at least try to be grammatically correct!) . But no, you had to go with sad *dot* *dot* *dot* ( did I mention this guy’s GMAT score was over 700?)

3- 3-“after 3 dayz of searching.... finally got my acco.... nd its \m/ J”

As a metal head, I take offense to that. Your acco was \m/ ?? Seriously? The Devil’s Horns? I wonder if you’ll be smiling when they get stuck up your ass. ( for further information of why not to use \m/ , check out Instain Noodles…the link’s around here somewhere) . Don’t even get me started on the ‘dayz’ bit of it.

4- 4- “Is disappointed after hp7! so many good scenes cut out! now u pls dont disappoint me breaking dawn :( “

A Twihard. Need I say more?

5- 5- “ive successfully tanned my elbows”

Trust me, there are more difficult places to get a tan. Figure them out and then boast.

6- 6- “I want the older version of chat box back!!!”

Oh, don’t worry. I’m sure Mark Zuckerburg will be right on it. After all, if YOU say that the old chat box is to brought back, who is he to deny you?

7- 7- “katy perry is coming to seattle....and performing live at Key arena....this is the biggest thing in my life after the Luke Skywalker vs Darth Vader fight”

I know it might be hard to digest, but a guy posted this. A 20 year old guy, born 8 years AFTER the Luke Skywalker vs Darth Vader fight. And seriously? You picked that over Anakin vs Obi Wan / Obi Wan vs Darth Maul?

8- 8- “How does one get a kitten?”

(I go against my better judgement by posting this, but What the hell :P )

Idiot.

Step 1- Get a job. Or an internship that gives stipend

Step 2- Get at least 25k a month from said internship

Step 3- Use said money to pay for said kitten

9- 9- “I love my new haircut”

And I love my new Swiss Army knife. Care to come out and play?

10- 10-“WTF was i thinking?”

Let’s look at this closely. The fact that you managed to put this up as a status, goes against the belief that you were, in fact, thinking. ( I apologize, I couldn’t come up with anything stupider than that L )

11- 11-“ZMND. Finally made me realise that Zindagi Milegi Na Dobara. J”

You figured that out NOW? Honestly, if your parents had learnt that the easiest way to teach kids morals was to show them movies involving hunks with six-packs and curvy babes, growing up would have been so frikking awesome!! ( all because of the latter mind you).

12- 12- “Muffins”

Respect. Mixed with hatred. Since I was forced to read this while eating corn flakes. L

Am I irrational. Perhaps. Am I full of disgust at the sight of these statuses. Definitely. Will I take the post down if you beg me to? Too right I won’t.

P.S- This should serve as a Disclaimer of sorts. The statuses mentioned above, while seemingly real, are fake. True Story.The author is not responsible for any hurt sentiments or the like. If you truly believe that one of these statuses IS actually yours, then good news. Looks like there’s two of you in this world. Hurray! If you don’t like the way your statuses have been used, PLEASE go onto Facebook and share the link of the blog, defaming it as you will. You might be doing something valuable with your time finally. Also, the author would not mind it. As long as he gets the blog hits. If on the other hand, you DO actually like it, please go and share it all the same. For reasons mentioned above.

P.P.S – Pretty Please?

P.P.P.S – This is being written by the person sitting beside the author while the article was being written. The Author read the line above and realized it sounded rather gay. In shock and horror, he killed himself. Those reading this, feel free to go “ There There”

Breaking news- Indian Housewife sues Maria Sharapova- claims she made her go deaf

An Indian housewife has recently caused ripples in the media world by filing a lawsuit against the Scream Queen of tennis-Maria Sharapova, claiming that the latter’s screams were the reason she recently went deaf.

The Russian tennis player and model is known not only for her fashion sense and her playing style, but also for her loud and occasionally shrill screams. Screams, which have been recorded to be louder than the noise made by a jet! (True story…no, really!).

In her lawsuit, Prerna Das claims that the Russian beauty’s scream was so loud, that it actually ruptured her ear drums, leading to permanent deafness. Intrigued, NTMN sent one of its reporters to get some finer details of the issue.

Says the NTMN reporter- “ When we reached the house of the Mrs. Das , there was chaos all around. Family members had gathered to support her in her cause. Being a quintessential TV-serial loving housewife, she had much support from her neighbors and friends. On hearing( metaphorically that is) that reporters had come to interview her, Mrs. Das seemed thrilled. So thrilled in fact, that the loudness of her voice almost made US go deaf!”

After donning a pair of earmuffs, this is what the reporter gleaned-

Says(note: screamed ) Mrs. Das - Oh, I just love watching reruns of old TV serials on Star Plus. It was just after dinner and one of my neighbor friends told me that they were screening an episode of Kyun Ki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi. There was no way I was going to miss that! It had been so many years since I had seen Smriti Irani don the role of Tulsi!! I was not going to miss it.

Interjects her husband Mihir (yes, the reporter thankfully took off the earmuffs)- You should have seen her that night. She was actually giddy with joy. I haven’t seen her that happy since Tulsi returned from the dead in the serial. Even our 25^th wedding anniversary party didn’t excite her this much.

Silencing her husband, Mrs. Das continued – “Of course, my lovely cable man made up a whole mess of the channels. Imagine my surprise when instead of seeing Tulsi’s great great grandson hatching a plan to kill her, I see this tall foreigner in skimpy clothes running around playing some version of cricket. ‘He Ram’, I could have had a heart attack! I wanted to see chaste Indian women in saris, and I’m forced to see this foreigner wearing a short skirt!!! What has society come to?

Then, just as I was about to change the channel, she started screaming!! ‘He Bhagwan’, it was so loud. I felt like all the glass ware in the house was about to shatter. The next thing I know, my ear started spurting blood!! It hurt so much. My husband and son took me to the hospital after 15 minutes.
The doctors there informed us that there was no way of restoring my hearing capabilities!!” Saying this, she burst into tears. It took her son close to half an hour to calm her down.

In the meantime, over tea and biscuits, her husband informed us that it was his idea to file a suit against Sharapova. On one hand, his wife deserved some compensation for the hurt she has undergone. He said,” How can she enjoy her favorite TV serials now? What will she do all day?? Also, think about me!! She used to scream at me everyday when I got back from work. Now it will only get worse!!!”

On asking his son Rajiv why it had taken up to 15 minutes before they took his mother to the hospital, he replied bluntly “ A model is running around in a short skirt! What do you expect me to do? Switch off the TV?”

As of yet, there has been no reply from Sharapova’s team. Rumors have it that since she is too busy practicing for the Wimbledon Championships, which she has not won in 7 years now. Whatever be the reason, her opponents would be glad if she were forced to stop screaming on court.

Disclaimer: The above article is completely false. While there is a 23% probability of it happening, Sharapova has never been the cause for any person going deaf. Over 42,000 Indian housewives do suffer hearing problems every year due to loud, and practically meaningless TV serials. Also, 83% of all statistics are made up on the spot. True story.

Eye Of The Beholder

You stand and watch, because frankly there isn’t much else for you to do. Not for wont of caring.

No, the caring bit was made clear in as many words. But apart from reasserting such bold and foolish feelings, you can do nothing. In front of you sits one whom you truly pity. She puts on a mask to face to the world. So that they believe that all is well in her kingdom.

But you know otherwise. Of the plethora of people she has encountered in her short span on this

treacherous world, you happen to be one of the few who has managed to get past the barrier to her mind. One of the few who has breached it's inner sanctum. One of the few who have witnessed the scars- the testament to the battles that have occurred in that hallowed mind. Either by luck or by design, you truly comprehend what happens behind that façade

Beneath that mask hides a broken woman. A woman whose spirits have been torn to pieces . One who has seen the dangerous side of the one who deals all the cards . A woman who lost a battle with fate itself.

Was it fate perhaps, that decided to wrench her heart and soul from her? More importantly, does she blame Fate? You cannot tell. Breaking the barrier of her mind is one thing. Being able to understand every strain of thought that goes through it is another.

You keep watching…waiting… hoping that soon, she will give you a signal. And then, just as the

eagle swoops down on its prey from the sky, you too would descend upon her. Not to break her

further, but to pick up the pieces of her soul . A soul that.. once whole…now lies shattered .

But no such signal arrives. She would not want you to. Left to her own devices, she would fight the battle alone, rather than face the embarrassment of having to depend on one to do it for him. But she cannot ignore your presence forever. So she gets up, and looks you straight in the eye.

The sight in front of you stuns you into silence and leaves you speechless. The eyes that stare back at you are dead; devoid of any feeling. And for once, you feel afraid. Of the deadened creature that now stands in front of you. Dead eyes that see no future. Which is what scares you the most. When the psyche feels nothing at all, is there any hope for her? Is there anything left apart from an empty shell now? They say time heals all… but does it? You have living proof in front of you that time….destroys …

But no! Wait…could it be? Perhaps……yes! Perhaps your fear has truly shown on your

face…for what you witnessed now could not have been imaginary. A glimmer of….life..

And as you keep staring…the light grows slightly brighter.. And you realize…it was your presence; your doing nothing but standing there, had actually mattered. That glimmer…existed because of you alone. It had not been her mind winning the battle…it had been yours.

So you keep standing there…looking straight ahead at her…and you watch as a hint of a smile

crosses that scarred countenance. And as you open your mouth to speak, she shakes his head,

gesturing you to stay with her in silence…and you acquiesce.

In the Street

The moment that we( team LTGTR) decided we were going to do a retro issue, I knew I simply HAD to write a review on That 70's Show. Call it absolute boredom , or the fact that the actors are so freaking brilliant ( Mila Kunis .... *sighs*) or perhaps the fact that for the past week, I'd done nothing except watch episodes of this very sitcom, but I doubt the reasons for writing it are as important as the review itself, so here goes nothing-

Created by ...... All right, I'll admit. I've no clue who really created it. Once again, it hardly matters! On the surface, That '70s Show appears to be a straightforward sitcom with a penchant for the occasional dream sequence or other bits of high concept fluff. But if you truly pay attention, you'll find a rather established cultural outlook to it. The show essentially parodies the 1970's, probably one of the most controversial times in the United States-- energy crises, the resignation of Nixon, the end of the Vietnam war, Star wars and of course, the disastrous perms, bell bottomed jeans and disco balls ( which are actually kind of cool, I’ll admit).

However, what truly brought the show alive was the brilliant acting by the main cast members . The show is set in the fictional Point Place, located in the state of Wisconsin. It revolves around Eric Foreman (Topher Grace-the guy who played Venom in Spiderman 3!), who is 17 and obsessing about the same things that all boys that age think about: beer, cars, and girls(not necessarily in that order), and who better to dampen his mood than a Communist-hating Vietnam veteran for a father, and a well-meaning alcoholic nurse for a mother! Throw in his promiscuous sister( who 'got around' with pretty much every guy in town) and you have a perfectly dysfunctional family.

Of course..ONE crazy family just isn't enough. Enter Eric's next door neighbor/ best friend/ girlfriend Donna , a feisty redhead feminist, who ,by all indications, can kick pretty much anyone's ass. Oddly enough, she's saddled with a couple of parents who are trying WAY too hard to be ‘hip’. Bob and Midge are the butt of most jokes, including a running gag about Bob's afro, which destroys the credibly of the very look that Hendrix popularized( a fact made clear to Bob repeatedly!)

Also included in the show are the characters of Hyde, Michael Kelso, Jackie and Fez. Hyde is a smart-alecky, Led- Zeppelin loving, wannabe hippie who sees government conspiracies in everything. This is probably due to the fact that he supplies most of the weed to the group and is almost permanently high. Michael Kelso ( played by Ashton Kutcher) is a rather dim, though well meaning playboy who eventually becomes a cop( and gets thrown into jail himself half the time). Jackie( yes, finally, Mila Kunis!), is a spoiled and snobby little rich kid who believes the world revolves around her. Where would any show be without the stereotyped foreigner! Fez fill this spot on the show; he’s a foreign exchange student with a strong Hispanic accent, a hair fetish, and a rather voyeuristic nature.

The plot itself is fairly lightweight, but certainly gets the job done. The show describes the daily lives of these kids- hanging out in a basement, smoking up every chance they get, stealing beers, and, if time ever permits, attending school. I could go on praising this show forever, but some things are better left unsaid, so I will end it on this note

What makes this show really appealing? Strip the show of its crazy jokes, the marijuana sessions, it’s rather caustic view of the government, and you're left with a show about teens trying to find some meaning in their lives-a sentiment shared by almost everybody our age. Definitely a must watch for... well, everybody.