Chicken Fried

I guess it’s just one of those things you say out loud to yourself in the middle of the night. Honestly, can you even blame me? It’s almost four o’ clock in the morning, you’ve got a test in a few hours, you’re grossly unprepared, and all you’ve got to eat is a cheese sandwich and a banana. Just when you think things can’t get worse, that particular strain of thought runs through your head. To be honest, it’s been at the back of your mind for a week. You’ve mentioned it in passing to a few friends as well. But now, more than ever, you feel the need to express it out loud to yourself, hoping it will be therapeutic. At this point, any impressionable reader would expect you to spout something profound and life-changing. In the movies at least, this is the point where the lead actor gets a brainwave. Instead however, yours goes something like this, “Fuck, I need to go to KFC”.

One tense change later, I’ll admit, it wasn’t my proudest moment of all time. Judge me all you wish, but also look at it from my point. I’d long considered going to the nearest KFC. Even the hour long to and fro journey in a smelly, overcrowded bus seemed worth it. After all, it’s KFC right?

Sometimes, everything just clicks. The Universe decides to make sure that you get everything that you desire. The stars and planets realign, your tests get cancelled, and in the end, you emerge victorious in you endeavor. Not surprisingly, this was not one of those times.This time, the universe decides that letting me fill my stomach with fried chicken would be too much fun. So, any remaining impressionable readers might ask , how did the universe manage this?

IF I were a conspiracy theorist (I won’t say yes because THEY might be reading this) , I would have to say that whoever planned this is one brilliant bastard. Let’s call said brilliant bastard *drum roll*, the MAN.

So how does the Man screw with me? It would be too simple for Him to just close down all the KFC’s. He loves screwing with people of course, but that would be too simple and even He doesn’t like playing spoilsport. No, his grand plan was set into motion over 50 years ago, when he decided to make the locals of Andhra Pradesh and Telangana start feuding. The quintessential useless struggle for dominance it was. The wheels had been set in motion, but their movement was imperceptible. In retrospect, it was a fool proof move. The struggle was kept under wraps, biding ‘it’s ‘time until some bored college student decides that he needs that chicken burger. Needless to say, that time had come.

So what’s the new situation? The buses stop running, the autos go on strike, and the price of petrol shoots up. Why is this so important? Probably because I was 15 kilometers away from the nearest KFC, and barring my two own feet, could find no viable means of transport. Sure, there were cabs, but the Man had accounted for that as well. With the distance and the rise in petrol prices, even the chicken wasn’t worth the effort. Sure, I could fine four or five other hungry bastards, pile them into a cab and make them pay. But like I said, effort. Said effort is better spent eating chicken and running away from the bill.

So what does this all boil down to?

Number 1- A cheese sandwich, a banana and a pot of coffee do not count as good pre-exam food. My stomach has already borne that sad fate.

Number 2, and this is the biggie – I NEED TO GO TO KFC!

Disclaimer-

If you’ve reached this far and happen to be an impressionable reader, feel free to leave a comment if you did not like the article. The author shall probably never get back to you. On the other hand, if you do not like KFC, let the author know ASAP. He will hunt you down and cut you into pieces. If he is really, really hungry, he will eat you, and in his best imitation of Timon exclaim, “ Tastes like chicken”

You Ought to Know

This post basically started forming in my head around the time when Anna was the latest craze. On a totally different note, what the hell happened to him? Or the LokPal bill? Don’t you just love how Indians seem to forget events like that so fast? (yeah, I’m part of them, move past that). But enough about the really serious, caring about the world crap. Time to get back to the hate rant.

It became popular thanks to men like Mandela, Gandhi and thousands of others. It’s probably why we’re free as well. Yeah, I’m talking about freedom of expression. And on some primal level, I respect that. The problem with the freaking Right is the part where people forget their boundaries. And I don’t just mean jackasses like you and me. I’m talking about famous people, who others just can’t get enough. Well, thanks to that lovely right to expression , I’ve taken it upon myself to point out just a few of them, and what I’d love to say to said person assuming we ever meet. Unloading a clip of bullets into them would prove my point much better, but I’m trying against all my cavemen like tendencies to be civil and use words instead.

Ekta Kapoor- one saas bahu serial was fine, two was tolerable, three was like having nails driven through you. Considering the number of TV serials she’s made and the number of years they’ve lasted, I’m surprised members of some desi TV loving spinoff of the al-Qaida hasn’t tried to assassinate her yet.

Justin Bieber- words cannot express the pain and disgust you have made me feel through the years. And the odd part is, I’ve never heard of parents complaining about you either. Aren’t parents always supposed to complain about the crap their kids listen to? ( my best guess is that they realize that a 16 year old girl can’t do much damage ) .Hendrix, Cobain and others would spew insults at you, but they’re a little busy throwing up in their graves.

Rebecca Black- Pretty much everything I just said about Bieber, but I guess that just isn’t insulting enough. For the lyrics that you wrote, I’m surprised that you had to wait till you were 13 to sing ‘Friday”. Most kids know the days of the week by the time they’re six. I’m just hoping the next time you sit on the rim of the back seat of a car, you decide to drive through a low tunnel. Just saying. Also, How’d you feel when even Bieber said he didn’t want to sing with you?

Kim Karda(something that I just can’t spell) – ok, it seems I’ve made a mistake by including her here. She’s part of my “Celebrities I adore and wish to meet and other nasty things” list. She’s just freaking awesome.

Chetan Bhagat- Obviously, being an actual engineering student, I can’t stand you. FYI: Not everyone who has pegs of neat vodka before exams screw them up. Sometimes those papers just turn out to be awesome. ( I’ve a friend who says so).. Your latest book is on sale for 20 bucks a copy (or so I’ve been told. It’s against whatever few morals I have left to go and actually find out for myself) . Toilet paper is now more expensive. Take a hint and stop writing.( pretty please with a cherry on top? )

Stephanie Meyer- the thing about miracles is that they don’t happen immediately one after the other. You should’ve waited a few more decades until Harry Potter ended before printing that Twilight crap. Sparkly vampires? Seriously? Go watch Dracula or Blade for more correct descriptions.

Arjun Singh- For those who don’t know him( basically me 5 minutes ago) , he’s the guy who decided it would be fun to fuck around with every general caste student all over India. Basically, he’s the guy who decided to implement the reservation quota. Can he be more hated?

Arindham Choudhry- I’m not sure if I spelt the surname correctly, but who gives a fuck? It’s not like he’s Kim what’s-her-name. First off, go for a haircut and contact lenses. Second, why in god’s name aren’t you advertising for a toothpaste commercial? Your teeth are so sparkly! If you do decide to keep the hair and throw in a few fangs, you could actually audition for the next Twilight movie ( I’m hoping they never make it, but who listens to me anyway? ) I haven’t written so much about the others yet, and I STILL haven’t started talking about IIPM , or as the casual reader might know it, the college that’s #1 in Global Exposure( WTF? Vijay Mallaya’s cricket team cheerleaders give me all the global exposure I need. ) . And how can I forget that you advise students to dream beyond the IIT’s and the IIM’s. I’m guessing you failed to get into either of them then? And, might I remind you, they’re still pretty much the best we’ve got.

Rakhi Sawant- Here’s what people normally need to succeed. Dedication. Brains. Hard work. Good Looks ( not necessary but apparently helps. Again, what would I know, I’m a wannabe engineer for fuck’s sake, not a model! *insert appropriate smiley here*). It doesn’t hurt to know English either. Now let’s run through the list. It’s obvious the last one doesn’t apply to you. This makes your paragraph a little disappointing since you probably can’t even read this. I’m not too sure about your Hindi either. As for hard work and brains. You do find Baba Ramdev hot. The only thing you seem dedicated towards is trying to make the average sex hungry Indian ( most people in my college) notice that you exist. Well, I guess you got that much at least. How’s that working out for you? I’m trying desperately to come up with a joke trashing Rakhi Ka Swayamvar , though I’m not able to put my finger on it. Advice anybody? How about Rakhi ka Insaf? I’m thinking something along the lines of, “ how can SHE give advice to married couples?” , though it just doesn’t show how much I can’t stand her.

And now we’re back to that awkward part where I have no idea what else to say. Seeing as I’m done insulting most of the people I want to, I guess it’s time to end it with some well meaning, clichéd bullshit.

*insert well meaning, clichéd bullshit here*

P.S- If you don’t like it. Fuck you. (Freedom of expression and all right :P )

Disclaimer- The above article does not reflect the views of the author. He was forced to write it at gun-point, by people who shall not be named. He would probably say pretty similar stuff though. After all, he really is a wannabe engineer. But feel free to share the post. The author is sure that the one who shall not be named would love it if others read this .